It's amazing how less stressful one's life becomes when one stops giving a shit. I happen to be one of those rare people that don't really care about much. When I say that I don't care, I guess I mean that I don't worry over much. Weird, because my mom is a worrier, and that kind of stuff oftentimes gets passed along generationally. But not with me.
I pride myself in being pretty oblivious about a lot of the things that the average American loses sleep over. I stopped reading newspapers (they still have those?) years ago. And I gave up on network news in my twenties. I don't watch reality shows, I don't read tabloids. I have no idea what is going on in the lives of all the famous people of the world: Hollywood movie stars, pop stars, professional athletes, royal families, etc. I just don't care.
I just don't find other peoples' lives fascinating. And it's not because my own life is so bloody fascinating. But I'd rather ponder my own existence than someone else's. Especially when the lives in question are the lives of people whom I personally don't know, or will never know. Why should I keep up with their drama? Do they care about mine? Of course not. They don't know a damn thing about me. And I'd like to keep the playing field level by knowing as little as possible about them. Hey, fair is fair.
Now, if I love a particular actor or sports personality, I do keep up with them in their chosen profession. I catch them plying their trade as often as I can . . . on TV . . . or at the cinema . . . or at the ballpark. But do I wonder what their favorite color is, or if they wear boxers or briefs? Nope.
Perhaps the reason I care so little about the general public is because I used to care so much. I mean, as a youngster I tried very, very hard to be liked. In fact, I fretted quite a bit about it. I wanted to be everyone's best friend - at least, everyone I knew. I wanted my teachers to love me, and the nuns and priests at school. And I wanted to be the perfect son, too. I wanted so much for everyone to like me and be proud of me. I put a lot of pressure on myself, cos it's very hard (if not impossible) to be all things to all people.
Needless to say, there was massive stress involved. I was constantly on edge, though I disguised it with my natural charm and sense of humor. Outwardly, my strategy was very successful. Lots of people really liked me. I mean, I wasn't the most popular person in school or anything, but I was popular enough. My parents were happy, the priests and nuns were satisfied, my teachers thought I was gonna grow up to be somebody. Inwardly, I was exhausted. And I drank. A lot. By the time I was a 17-year-old senior, I was drinking every day. And failing school, crumbling under the pressure of being Wonder Dude.
Reaching rock bottom can kill you or save you. For me, it was the reality check I needed to start thinking for myself for the first time in my life. I shook the cobwebs out of my brain and started asking myself what it was that I wanted out of life. Did I want to become a raging alcoholic? Did I want to be a high school drop-out? Did I want to follow other peoples' vision of how my life should unfold, or did I want to take ownership and responsibility for my own future??
Slowly, I began to learn what it took to live my own life the way I saw fit. Little by little, I discarded all of the things I felt were unnecessary. Institutions were the first to go. I stopped going to church. I stopped confessing my sins. I dropped out of college and started traveling, trying to see a little of the world. My circle of friends became smaller and smaller as I became more aware of the sort of people I wanted to be around. And, in general, I stopped giving a fuck.
The years have come and gone, and it seems that the older I've gotten, the less I've worried about things beyond my control. I place my focus on the things and the people that really matter to me. I watch cartoons, sports, sci-fi movies . . . anything that has the power to whisk me away and make me forget about the the misery of the world and the horrible people who populate it.
I don't give much thought to much. To some, it might seem like I'm apathetic. Like I'm not engaged in the world around me. And in truth, I'm not very. I work in the service industry, and I'm great at it. And it requires that I engage with people and try to develop some sort of relationship with them, even if it's just for the time that they are in the restaurant. I do my job very well. But when I am off the clock and on my own time, I retreat into my own world. I watch movies or listen to music. I never walk out of my house and into public places without headphones on my head. Because the only thing I am interested in is tuning out as much of the world as possible.
I grew up super shy. Then I morfed into the class clown in order to be liked. And then I grew to become more and more antisocial and detached from all the bullshit of life as I came to the realization that I really just don't care about anything except the things and the people that really matter . . . to me.
I don't give much thought to much. To some, it might seem like I'm apathetic. Like I'm not engaged in the world around me. And in truth, I'm not very. I work in the service industry, and I'm great at it. And it requires that I engage with people and try to develop some sort of relationship with them, even if it's just for the time that they are in the restaurant. I do my job very well. But when I am off the clock and on my own time, I retreat into my own world. I watch movies or listen to music. I never walk out of my house and into public places without headphones on my head. Because the only thing I am interested in is tuning out as much of the world as possible.
I grew up super shy. Then I morfed into the class clown in order to be liked. And then I grew to become more and more antisocial and detached from all the bullshit of life as I came to the realization that I really just don't care about anything except the things and the people that really matter . . . to me.
